Pim woke up in the middle of the night to Tucker whining, desperate to get out of the house. He yawned groggily, pushed the bedsheets away and placed his feet on the very cold floor. The blue light from the three moons shone past the half-closed curtains. Apparently, it was late enough that the fourth had already set. Still half asleep Pim slipped into his slippers, not bothering with a robe or pants – he wanted crawl back into bed as quickly as possible.

As he rose, Tucker excitedly began to circle in front of the door wagging his tail. His little paws were more like little hands with claws on them. His fluffy fur was a blue grey all over with some darker spots near the ends of his long ears. He barely reached Pim’s calf and six, big deep-blue eyes excitedly looked up at Pim.

He grabbed the leash and Tucker sat down on the mat. Pim opened the door and hugged himself as the cool night air rushed past him. When they approached the first lantern Tucker began to carefully sniff around.

‘Why do you even bother smelling it, Tuc,’ Pim asked as his eyes closed. He longed to be back in bed. ‘We both know you’ll cover it all over anyway. Just get on with it already.’

Pim was a skinny man. His dark green skin was mottled spots patterns in darker shades of green. Like all green-skinned people, he had no hair, but several tentacles on the back of his head that usually lay flat. Only two stood up, these were used for hearing. The rest were pretty useless, though very sensitive. His amber eyes only barely peaked out from behind heavy lids.

Tucker finally lifted his tail and two back paws. As he watched the creature, Pim became aware his own needs.

‘Hurry up Tuc!’

Suddenly a transport pod alarm went off just next to them. Startled, Tucker crouched low and quickly moved to Pim’s side. Pim looked around and took a step closer to see what had set it off. Before he could reach it, a swarm of police surrounded the two of them. Big lights were blinding as a megaphone screeched. Tucker jumped into Pim’s arms, who was now very awake, very confused, and very scared.

‘Stay still sir and nothing will happen!’ a deep voice said from behind the lights.

‘What happened!?’ he shouted back.

‘I repeat stay still and nothing will happen!’

‘What is happening!?’

‘NOTHING WILL HAPPEN IF YOU STAY STILL! Do not make me repeat myself a third time!’

‘But what is happening right now…!?’

There was a flash of blue light, a whimper from Tucker and everything went black…

The next moment Pim found himself blinking trying to clear the blurry vision. He was sitting at a small table in a small interrogation room. Tucker was curled up in Pim’s lap – apparently still asleep. In front of him sat a very big broad police detective. He was saying something, but it was very hard to hear. Like most Jupiterians, the detective was tall and broad. In fact, most Jupiterians where about a full head taller than Pim – some women two heads ! Most Jupiterians had light blue, translucent skin, though the detective’s arms were covered in dark blue hair. Blue people did not have tentacles but pointy ears that stuck out horizontally on either side of the head. The police detective also sported a big, dark blue moustache on his upper lip. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled up, the top button undone revealing dark blue chest-hair and his holster holding the zap weapon underneath his arm. He straightened his sunglasses.

‘So, what do you have to say about this heckin’ mess?’ the big police detective barked. Then looked up. ‘ANSWER THE WRETCHED QUESTION!’

‘What mess!?’ asked Pim, straightening up.

‘Don’t you think people have tried that innocent act before!? WE CAUGHT YOU PURPLE HANDED RIGHT NEXT TO THE PHOOEY POD WHEN THE ALARM WENT OFF!’

‘When the-…!?’said Pim, thoroughly confused as his brain was trying to catch up.

‘You think you have me wrapped around the tentacle, don’t ya!? If we hadn’t swooped in and stopped you, there’s no telling what a wretched scoundrel like you’d’ve done!’

‘But-…!?’ He remembered Tucker needing to go outside and the bright lights. He looked down and saw he was still only wearing his boxers, a white t-shirt and his fuzzy slippers.

‘I see this all the time! You’d’ve heckin’ kidnapped the beautiful doughnut shop lady, WOULDN’T YA?’

‘Which doughnut-…!?’

‘I WASN’T BORN YESTERDAY!’ the police detective slapped his hand on the table, making Pim jump and waking Tucker up. ‘You’d’ve heckin’ tried to rob the wretched bank, wouldn’t ya?’

‘Why would I-…!?’

‘IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!? You’d’ve just got into that phooey pod and zoomed away with all that lickety sugar it’s hiding, wouldn’t ya?’

‘Where would I-…?’

‘DON’T TEST ME! You’d’ve participated in a wretched speed-race, wouldn’t ya?’

‘How would I-…?’

‘Don’t you play dumb with me mister! You’d’ve sold the lickety sugar to innocent children, WOULDN’T YA!?’

‘But I-…!’

‘TWO CAN PLAY THIS GAME! You’d’ve sold the phooey pod for parts wouldn’t ya?’

‘Or-…!’

‘DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH ME! You’d’ve just hopped on a phooey hoover and just disappeared, wouldn’t ya.’

‘So-…?’

‘IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE!? I’m just getting started! You think you’d’ve heckin’ got away with all that too, don’t ya?! WELL NOT ON MY WRETCHED WATCH!’

The policeman slapped the table one more time as he shouted the last part and rose.

‘You’ll have plenty of time to reflect upon your crimes where we send the likes of you!’ He stormed out the room, slamming the door shut behind him. The room was dark except for the spotlight above the interrogation table. Tucker let out a small whimper. Pim began to be aware of his own needs that were now beginning to be a bit more pressing and slowly crossed his legs.

What felts like hours later, the door finally opened with a loud bang, making Pim and Tucker jump once more. Pim who had been slowly hopping from one leg to the other froze. In the doorway stood a smaller, older, and even grumpier looking blue Jupiterian man with very thin white hair carefully combed back.

‘Transport’s ready,’ the man said in a monotone voice.

‘T-transport?’ Pim said startled. ‘W-where-…’

‘Mars.’

The desert wasteland planet was a prisoner colony for the Jupiterians. It was notorious for being extremely inhospitable environment and rarely anyone ever returned. Pim felt sure there must have been some kind of mistake. He didn’t even know what his crime was!

‘B-but, there…?’

‘No.

‘B-but, I…!’

‘No.’

‘Okay, but, surely…’

‘Don’t care.’

‘But what…?’

‘Don’t care.’

‘But…’

‘Out.’

It was hard to argue with a man like that. So Pim picked up Tucker and slowly followed him out the room, through a long grey corridor and into a small spaceship. He sat down on the cold seats, once more aware of the fact he was only wearing boxers, a t-shirt and some slippers. He sat Tucker in his lap. Opposite from him sat the gruff man. It was just the three of them in a bus-sized spaceship. While they were waiting to depart, Pim’s need began pressing him once more.

‘Are you sure…?’

‘Yes.’

‘Would you really mind…?’

‘Yes.’

‘Could I just…?’

‘No.’

Pim slumped back into his chair and crossed his legs once more with a pained expression. The jump was a couple of hours long and throughout the entire time Pim squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. After what seemed like forever, the spaceship entered an atmosphere until finally it came to a full stop.

‘Out.’

‘D-did we…?’

‘Yes.’

‘When will…?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘B-but, what…?’

‘Don’t care.’

Pim sat still, unsure of what to do. He knew that if he stepped out of this vehicle, he might never see his home again. Not that a small studio apartment with very thin walls by a noisy street was much to boast about…

‘Out!’

There was some impatience in that last sentence – an impatience laced with frustration. The first emotions the old man had shown. So Pim slowly rose from his seat and inched closer to the door. From the doorway he could see the empty red desert wasteland stretch out in front of him. Before he could utter another protestation, a big boot landed on his back and pushed him into the hot sand. Tucker gave a yelp and landed on his paws next to him, sneezing from all the fine dust. Pim looked back, the transport bus was hoovering about 2 metres above the surface. The door closed and it flew away with an almost smug whoosh.

Pim rose, brushed off all the sand and looked around. Tucker whimpered again and cowered close to him. At least he felt more appropriately dressed now.

‘I’m sure they’ll be back soon, Tuc,’ Pim said encouragingly. ‘Until then, we’d better find some shelter somewhere.’

Together they set off as two small green and blue specks in a vast red ocean of sand. After walking for about ten minutes, the ground began to rumble and grumble. The dunes began to shake. Tucker whined and jumped into Pim’s arm. Sand began to shift and reveal the tops of buildings. Houses of all different shapes and sizes began to emerge from underneath the sand. A road appeared, lampposts, transport pods. Once they had revealed themselves completely, shutters that covered the windows slammed open. People burst from buildings. Before he knew what was happening Pim stood in the middle of a busy town street, surrounded by everyone going about their daily
business.

Confused he looked around and began to realize that while there were some blue people, as well as orange and purple, a shocking number of them were green. Pim had known that Jupiterians discriminated against green people and preferred to accuse them of crimes they didn’t commit – but surely these numbers were ridiculous! As he stood gazing around, everyone began staring at him, whisper to their friends, giggle and point. It slowly dawned on him that they were staring and pointing at his state of dress, and he began to feel very self-conscious. Just then a small, fat, red man nimbly hopped over. He was holding a clipboard and wore a dark green-and-red checkered suit.

‘Pim?’ he asked. ‘Pimaqwesrdfcyopijbhjvgcfderswa Akkegonjegunwojinojagakilewin?’

Pim nodded.

‘Wonderful!’ the red man stuck out his hand and began to talk so fast it took Pim a second to catch up. ‘My name’s Mauritsezsxdcvyhujbik Vdberghbvgctdersewazsx. But you can call me Maurits. Listen, I’d like to formally apologize for not being here to greet you straightaway. We try to estimate the location based on their flight path, but it appears to be extremely difficult for those Jupiterian brutes to fly in a straight line. I mean, we get closer each time. Gosh, I remember when I first star-ted, we’d be waiting on completely the wrong side of the planet! The agency would have to scramble to find someone in the right quarter to pick up our new friend,’ Maurits had yet to take a single breath. ‘Anyway, like I said we’re getting closer and I was only just on the other side of town. Though we don’t like to leave any newcomers lost and confused so I do apologize. I trust your journey was uneventful?’

‘Look, I think there’s been some kind of…’

‘Don’t worry about whatever it is you did or didn’t do. Everyone gets a fresh start on Mars. That’s our motto: Mars; a refreshing place! It’s not the official motto, but I think the governing powers are coming around to the idea of it. Anyhoo, back to you: the most important thing is that you’re here and we’re happy that you are. Don’t worry too much about what you did in the past, we always go through a rehabilitation process.’

‘Rehabilitation?’ It was almost stressful to listen to the run-on sentences of the short fat man. ‘But you don’t understand, I…’

‘Since it was a non-violent crime…,’ Maurits looked at his papers. ‘At least at the point of interception Were you really going to kidnap the doughnut lady, rob a bank, participate in a street-race and then sell the parts? ‘Cause I have to say, that kind of stuff is not really accepted around here either.’

‘NO! No, no, no, I would never even…’

‘Good then you’ll have no problem fitting right back in! You’ll fly through the rehabilitation process and before you know it, you’ll have your own house again, a satisfying job and who knows, a little friend. Or a big friend – if that’s what you prefer. We do always frown upon accepting animals as serious life partners. Even though your little buddy looks extremely cute. Gosh, it’s always so exciting when a Martian actually returns home. May I just say, it’s quite the honour for me to show you around. You are my first real Martian to welcome home!’

‘Martian?’ Pim asked. ‘Look, there’s been some kind of mistake. I…’

‘Are you not Pimaqwesrdfcyopijbhjvgcfderswa Akkegonjegunwojinojagakilewin?’

‘I am, but…’

‘Are you not completely green?’

‘I -I am…’

‘Did you grow up with green parents?’

‘No… I don’t have any…’

‘I mean, all the signs are there indicating you’re a Martian. Now, it’s high time we get you back to the office to start your processing and get you reunited with your family.’

‘My-my Family?’ Pim asked as they began walking.

‘You mean to say, you don’t know? Jupiterian education must be as bad as they say. Did they really just gloss over the fact they invaded a planet to turn it into a prison colony?

Look, before Mars was turned into the secret paradise it is today, Jupiterians took all the babies and raised them on Jupiter. The surviving Martians went into even deeper hiding and now the Jupiterians leave their criminals to die in the deserts of Mars. They have no idea that we’re still here. So now, whenever a Mars baby returns, we try to locate the original family they were stolen from and reunite them. Which usually is a beautiful and very moving moment. Except that one time… That was not so good… It was gruesome… But we don’t like to focus on that.’

While Maurits rattled on, he’d led Pim to a building with big letters reading LOST BABY REGISTER above the door. Before they went in Maurits glanced Pim with a disapproving look.

‘Listen, this is a really formal place. I’m not denying all this information it’s a lot to take in, but you could at least have made half an effort to look presentable on such an important occasion. For now, just wear my jacket and let’s hope they don’t mind. I swear though, if they say anything about my appearance, I have no problem blaming it on you. Unlike you, I take pride in always presenting my best, regardless of the situation.’

Before Pim could protest, Maurits shrugged off his jacket and handed it over to Pim and walked into the building. Pim put Tucker on the ground and put the jacket on which was quite obviously much too wide and far too short for him. Then he followed the small man inside.

Although the building was huge, the room they entered was small, old, and dimly lit. All the walls were a dirty beige and there was a big reception desk that may at one point have been painted pink, behind which sat a big, round elderly green lady. She had winged glasses that covered about half her face, and which magnified two tiny beady eyes. On each of her wrists she had silver bangles that jangled with every movement she made as she typed away on a type writer. Opposite the desk was a wooden bench for two where Pim and Maurits sat down.

Maurits grabbed one of the digital magazines from the side table next to him and began to flick through it. It was all about baby animals. As he sat down, Pim suddenly became aware of his earlier, as of yet unattended need and asked Maurits where the toilet was.

‘You want to go now?’ the small red man looked completely appalled. ‘Listen, I get it, you’re going through a lot right now and there may be a very good reason you look like you just rolled out of bed. But I do have to warn you, you don’t want to miss out on this appointment. You’re about to find your family. Now, if you ask me, it’s a double-edged pickaxe. I love my family, but the constant talking that they do is insane! Most days, I can’t even get a word in sideways. It’s as if their mouths just don’t stop and they don’t even take a breath! And yet, I couldn’t imagine living without them and our weekly pancake brunches! It’s the funniest thing when Uncle Petrus does the talking pancake bit and Aunt Jeanie is completely embarrassed and fed up. You’re about to have that too! I mean, not the pancake brunches or the talking pancake bit, that’s kind of our thing. But you and your family will have your own thing. I guess I just don’t understand why you would risk missing the appointment. However, if you think you can make it back in time, you can ask the lady where it is.’

Pim looked over to the front desk and the old lady glared back at him.

‘I-I’ll just… M-Maybe I’ll wait for now.’

They were not called into the office very quickly. While they waited for well over half an hour, Maurits recounted every article he finished reading in the magazine and showed him all the pictures of baby animals. All the while Pim squirmed uncomfortably. There were a couple of times where he considered just getting up and going to the toilet but each time he looked up, the old lady narrowed her magnified eyes, pursed her lips as if daring him to ask, while the clattering of bangles on the desk became more violent.

Eventually, they were called into the office. Another elderly lady, with huge glasses welcomed them in and introduced herself as Karina. The office was full of archive cabinets and smelled musty. On her desk, covered with papers, was a crystal ashtray in which half a cigarette was still burning. Karina indicated for them to take a seat in the two foldout chairs across the desk. She sat down herself and popped the cigarette in her mouth.

‘Before we start, would you mind terribly if I just go to the…?’

‘Excuse me?’ Karina said in a voice that clearly conveyed the personal offence she took. ‘You don’t vant to have appointment?’

‘I-I do!’ Pim said hastily. ‘I’ll only be a couple of minutes and…’

‘A couple of minutes!?’ she half-shrieked throwing her arms up. ‘Vhat about my other appointments? I delay here, they also delayed, who cares! You vant me responsible for everyone delaying?’

‘I-I apologize. No, o-of course not!’

Pim looked to Maurits for help who only shook his own head in disappointment. Karina huffed and muttered while she reorganized some files until finally, she turned to Maurits.

‘Now dear Maurits, how everything has been?’

The two began to catch up and the old purple lady began preparing tea. At first Pim tried to decline more fluids, but based on the stern look Maurits shot him, he quickly accepted the tea and slowly sipped it. Once they were settled with tea, a biscuit and having caught up on Maurits’ favourite house plant’s tribulations and all of Karina’s different body aches, she turned to Pim.

‘Now that is finished,’ she said. ‘Let’s know Pimaqwesrdfcyopijbhjvgcfderswa Akkegonjegunvojinojagakilevin and see vhere he come from.’

Then she began interrogating him. She started by asked him his birthday, height and weight. She asked about his results in school, his current job, where he had grown up and where he currently lived. They then moved on to questions about the weather on Jupiter during his past five birthdays, the order in which he got dressed in the mornings and undressed in the evenings. Very soon Pim stopped squirming uncomfortably in his seat, focussed on trying to remember the colour of his toothbrush on the day he learned to walk. She asked about exactly what temperature he preferred his hot drinks, which side of the mouth he usually chewed, and the name of the book that gave him nightmares as a kid. After about two hours of intense questioning without a break, during which time Karina typed into an old-fashioned mechanical keyboard, she printed out an address.

‘You lucky,’ she said as she handed over the information. ‘A lot of kids never meet one parent, you meet both. Congratulations!’

Pim was amazed. He’d never had a family before. The orphanage he grew up in had always been a sad affair. Those who had survived it actively tried to forget it ever existed, many never even staying in touch with the other children. But now, there was a mother and a father and a sister waiting for him somewhere. Pim and Maurits thanked the Karina repeatedly. After they left the office of the LOST BABY REGISTER, Maurits hailed a taxi while Tucker lifted his back paws to pee. The taxi, Maurits and Pim patiently waited for the small creature to finish his business… which took longer than expected. Pim assumed he had also been holding it for a while. As they took their seats in the back of the taxi, Pim asked if they could stop somewhere for him to use the toilet before they went to meet his parents.

‘What about your parents?’ Maurits asked confused. ‘I don’t understand your obsession with toilets. These poor people have been waiting for decades of news and they finally get it and we’re supposed to say hold on a bit longer, apparently your son thinks his own fluids are more important than you guys. You want to deny them the joy of seeing their lost son return even longer? If it was me who finally got to have parents, I wouldn’t want anything to stand in the way of me meeting them. I mean, would you?’ Maurits turned to the pilot.

‘N-no, I just…’ Pim stammered embarrassed.

‘He a lost baby?’ the blue taxi pilot asked. ‘Nah, ya parent’s been waitin’ a looong time for dis. I personally wouldn’t wanna do anyding dat might ruin da moment.’

Pim quickly urged the taxi pilot to keep going straight to the address. He looked down at Tucker curling up comfortably on his lap.

The taxi zoomed up to the address in the late afternoon. It was a small but comfortable little house in the suburbs of the city he landed in. They got out and knocked on the door. A slightly older green couple opened the door.

Not sure what to expect, Pim’s mind went blank. There was absolutely no mistaking these were his parents. Floods of recognition and a sense of belonging he had never felt before washed over him. They embraced him in a long firm hug and behind them he could see a young woman that he immediately recognized as his sister. Tucker jumped around them excitedly, though not entirely sure why. Finally, they all let go and stepped back.

‘You must have a ton of questions,’ his father said, tears of joy in his eyes. ‘We have so much…’

‘Where is your toilet?’ Pim asked.

The couple looked at one another a bit confused. His mum quickly pointed to where it was and Pim rushed off.

‘Can I just say I am so honoured to help reuniting you with your lost baby. Although, listen, I have not known your son for very long, so I do not want to judge too quickly. But I am sad to say he seems to have a weird obsession about his bodily functions. I don’t know if this something that he learned on Jupiter. Perhaps using the toilet is a form of greeting. In any case, you will both have to do some adjusting to one another. Please try and be understanding while he relearns the ways of Mars. I will make it a point of addressing this in his rehabilitation programme,’ Maurits reassured the elderly couple.

In the toilet, meanwhile, Pim finally relaxed and felt at home.