Go Hotae was waiting outside the hospital. Staring off into the distance, his mind felt numb. The rooms inside had grown stuffy and he’d needed to get some fresh air. People kept approaching him with puffy red eyes or a look of pity on their face. He’d shaken their hands as they’d rubbed his arms or reached up to pat his face with expressions of sorrow and words that were meant to be comforting. But he still felt empty inside.
‘KICK IT! Kick it this way!’
A bunch of little kids were playing soccer in front of the funeral hall entrance. Hotae watched the taller boys kick the ball past some invisible line and cheer loudly.
His dad had been sick for over two years. They’d moved out here to find the best doctors and hospitals. But last month, his dad had nevertheless been discharged and sent home. The doctors recommending they make him as comfortable as possible while preparing for the worst.
‘Over there!’
‘COME ON! What are you doing?!’
Hotae looked back into the distance. He missed his home. He missed his friend.
His dad had been a tall man. Once strong and athletic, his body had slowly refused to move and turned fragile. Stuck inside all day surrounded by machines and nurses, he’d ask Hotae about swimming and have him describe his victories in great detail. His mom spent her days working, only to come home and care for her husband. She never once complained but, despite her delicious cooking and constant cleaning, the smell of disease and death had slowly filled the apartment.
‘Over here! QUICK!’
‘Come on! Pass the ball!’
The ball rolled over to him and on instinct, Hotae put his foot out to stop it.
‘Hyung! Please pass the ball!’
A faint smile appeared on his face. Instead of passing it back, he dribbled past the four kids and kicked it into the invisible goal of the smaller ones. It felt good to move again – familiar and comforting. A boy went to grab the ball and before long, they’d begun a game of four against one. But no matter how much they tried, the kids couldn’t hold on to the ball for very long and struggled to take it from him.
‘Hyung! You’re so unfair,’ one of the older kids said, grabbing the ball indignantly. ‘You’re too good, so none of us gets to play.’
‘What do you want me to do about it?’ Hotae asked. Repeating his dad’s words, said whenever he’d complained like that. ‘You just gotta try and do better.’
It was how he’d been taught how to play soccer, basketball, ride a bike… learned how to swim.
‘Don’t you feel sorry for us!?’ the boy said, sternly placing a hand on his hip.
‘What about me?’ Hotae said looking down at his black suit, uncomfortable dress shoes and the mourning band around his arm. ‘I’m wearing these clothes because my dad died. Shouldn’t you feel sorry for me?’
The boy thought about this for a second, then placed the ball back in front of Hotae. He grinned and kicked the ball back into play. As they ran around his heart began to pump and life returned to his stiff limbs.
A month after the funeral, Hotae and his mom were on their way back to their hometown by the East Sea. The green leaves were already changing colours. The sea sparkled blindingly in the sunshine, and the autumn breeze that blew through the window cooled the cramped inside of the truck, filling it with the familiar salty air. As they pulled up to their old home, Hotae jumped out and rushed towards the gate. Swinging it open, he was greeted by his mom’s oldest friend.
‘Is Donghui hyung home?’ he asked. Not waiting for an answer, he rushed past her towards his old room.
‘Oi, oi, oi! You’re just going inside without a proper greeting?!’ his mother called out after him, but he’d already kicked off his shoes and entered the house.
Their family home was an old hanok that had been modernised by his dad. In comfort, it had nothing on the fancy new Seoul apartments his classmates had lived in. The kitchen was a separate building and in the wintertime, they had to put up blankets across the windows to keep out the cold. There were no loud neighbours banging on walls or ceilings, and there was an actual garden. Most importantly, the house was filled with all of his happiest memories. Memories from when his dad was still alive, of times when they’d watched movies together in the living room or played a game of soccer in the yard. Memories of him and Donghui running around the neighbourhood playing pretend with robots and stealing snacks as their moms scolded them.
Well, scolded Hotae mostly.
‘Hyung!’ he called out. They’d struggled to stay in touch over the past year. Life had suddenly grown too complicated. He slid the doors of the bedroom open, but it was dark and empty inside.
Disappointed his friend wasn’t there waiting to greet him, Hotae opened the curtains to let in some light. Outside, the moms were already catching up in the garden. He took a moment to look around his old room. Hotae’s swimming awards and favourite trinkets were still in the same place above his desk, but there was also a globe on his bookcase and neatly stacked notebooks. Donghui and his mother had been staying in the home for the past three months. The bed had been made, the room tidied and dusted, and it all smelled different.
Hotae noticed an empty shelf in the bookcase where Donghui cleared some space for him. He glanced down at the titles of Donghui’s books on the shelf below it. Being in the final year of high school, all of them seemed kinda scary. There was one titled Black Math Geometry and Vectors which looked especially ominous. He pulled it out and leafed through it. School books rarely made any sense to him, but this was like reading a whole different language. How was he ever going to understand this stuff in just two years?
‘Go Hotae! You’re not slacking off, are you!?’ his mom yelled from the garden.
‘I’m coming!’ he threw the book back on the shelf and checked his phone. Surely school was out by now. So what was keeping him? Hotae sent a quick text before heading back outside to start helping the moms and the driver empty out the truck. Luckily, there wasn’t much to unpack. They’d never planned on staying away for this long.
Half an hour later his mom and Auntie were working in the kitchen and Hotae was sorting out the boxes by the greenhouse when he spotted a familiar figure appear beyond the garden wall. The face was still obscured behind the bushes, but Hotae didn’t need to see it to recognise his best friend. His lips curled into a grin. He crouched down low and crept towards the old persimmon tree. Donghui was moving slow, repeatedly peeking over the wall. But he hadn’t spotted Hotae yet. Hotae’s grin widened into a smile. He waited for the other boy to move… just a little closer… for the best moment to pounce-…!
‘What are you doing creeping around?!’ he asked springing up and beaming as Donghui fell backwards, successfully startled. Hotae grabbed a branch of the tree and hopped over the wall to offer his hand. ‘Are you a thief of something? You should’ve just come in.’
Donghui looked up and took his hand. With a firm grip Hotae pulled him back on his feet. Although the other boy was a year and four months older, and admittedly surprisingly tall, Hotae was pleased to note he now had quite a few centimetres on him.
‘As blunt as ever, there’s no mistaking you, Go Hotae,’ Donghui said, studying Hotae. ‘Has it really only been two years?’
‘You haven’t changed at all, hyung,’ Hotae replied. It wasn’t a lie, Donghui looked exactly as he’d remembered. They stared at one another.
‘You’ve grown a lot,’ Donghui said. But there was something off about him. Donghui patted Hotae on the shoulder and moved past him. He watched Donghui walk through the wooden gate. It wasn’t quite the enthusiastic greeting he’d been expecting.
He followed Donghui into the garden, but the older boy had already kicked off his shoes and disappeared into the bedroom. So Hotae turned his attention to another box. Behind him, both moms sat down on the pyeongsang with a cup of tea.
‘We’ll pack up Donghui’s stuff soon,’ Donghui’s mom said. ‘Just bear with us a little longer.’
‘Nonsense,’ his own mom scoffed. ‘This house is a lot closer to school. Just let him finish the year here. We don’t know what your husband will do, so let’s not send him off.’
Nobody had told him the exact reason Donghui and Auntie had been staying in their home. Something to do with Donghui’s dad. Hotae’s mom didn’t seem to like him. Unlike Hotae’s dad, he’d rarely had time to hang out with them when they were little. But there were those times he’d taken them to a museum. Or all the way to Everland and had bought them the most expensive ice creams.
‘I’m just worried Hotae will be uncomfortable.’
‘Aigoo, it’s not like they’re strangers. Ever since they were born they’ve been like brothers. Besides, if they’re together they won’t be lonely,’ at that his mom’s voice dropped low. Why bother when he could still hear every word? ‘Even if he won’t say anything to me about it, it’s clear Hotae’s been having a hard time since his father left us so early. That’s why having Heedong around might be good for him.’
Donghui’s mom stopped protesting. Hotae moved one of the empty boxes to the porch. He looked through the window at Donghui sitting at the desk, studying hard despite the beautiful weather. Between swimming practice, competitions and the hospital visits, Hotae’d barely had a chance to make any real friends in Seoul.
‘Besides, once the shop reopens I won’t be home much. I would love it if Hotae could spend time with Heedong and learn a thing or two. He’s so independent; the student body president and the top scoring student in the school. I’m telling you, you have so much to be proud of.’
Hotae pulled out his dad’s old copies of the Dororo books. If everyone was taking a break, he might as well join in. He stepped into the bedroom he would be sharing with Donghui for the foreseeable future and flopped onto the bed with a loud groan. But his friend was too focussed and didn’t react. Hotae turned his attention down towards the ronin and his thief companion. Or tried to. His gaze shifted to the boy diligently reading and writing away. Of course, suneung was only a few weeks away. And while Donghui had always been a good student, everyone knew this required a different type of dedication. Even he knew he shouldn’t bother his friend too much during this period, and he definitely wouldn’t.
Hotae shifted and stretched himself out on the bed. Donghui’s serious face was lit up by the warm afternoon sunlight. Had his skin always been this pale? Hotae tried to read a couple more pages. But then he glanced back up at the figure quietly studying. Sitting so very still. Hotae got up and moved to stand next to Donghui and started looking through his own new schoolbooks, as if he knew exactly which ones he’d need.
‘What are you doing?’ Donghui asked staring at him.
‘Ignore me. I’m just checking my books.’
Donghui rolled his eyes and turned back to his studies. Hotae looked down at the round cheeks which, from this angle actually looked flushed with a light shade of pink. A clear sign his friend had been focussing too much. Hotae leaned in to see what exactly he was working on so intently.
‘How’s studying going?’
‘It’d be good if you’d stop talking to me,’ Donghui answered without looking up.
Hotae sighed. But… he could take a hint. A little disappointed at his friend’s unshakable determination to focus, he returned to the bed and picked up his own book again. He flicked back to where he’d been reading. But before he’d managed to read a single word, his eyes had drifted away from the story to watch Donghui studying instead.
The following day, the two of them walked to school together. Donghui listened quietly as Hotae’s talked about his school in Seoul, only occasionally jumping in with questions or comments. It wasn’t quite like the old days, but it was almost like the strange awkwardness between them was starting to melt away as they stepped through the school gates.
‘Ya, Donghui!’ a deep voice called out. A tall student ran up beside Donghui and casually slung an arm around his shoulder. Donghui didn’t react as this guy started leading him towards the building. The student shot Hotae half a look. Before he could react, a teacher appeared next to him, grabbing him by the ear and pulling him aside. He mumbled something about the dress codes but Hotae wasn’t listening. His eyes glued on the pair now chatting and walking off without so much as a backward glance.
The rest of the day did nothing to improve Hotae’s mood.
His new classmates had long since established a hierarchy and seemed unwilling to upset the balance so late in the school year. At lunch, Hotae looked for Donghui around the school without any luck. Not seeing him in the cafeteria either, he ended up eating alone. To make matters worse, at the end of the day Hotae joined his first Swim Club training and came face to face with the deep-voiced student who had stolen his best friend away that morning.
‘The semester started a while ago, but I’ve not seen anyone take practice seriously,’ the student said, sizing up the club members one by one. He was the Captain and had everyone lined up along the edge of the pool. With one hand in his pocket, he looked like he was some kind of veteran detective talking to rookies. A few more students dropped their bags near the door and quickly rushed up to take their places. ‘You think you’re that good already?’
Hotae looked around, waiting for this guy to finish. His team in Seoul had never had to deal with this kind of crap. Discipline came easy. They’d worked hard, joked around, and if the captain asked why you were late, you felt embarrassed, making sure you were never late again. This type of bullshit power trip was a waste of time. At least the pool looked half-decent.
This Captain’s eyes landed on Hotae and he stepped up close to him.
‘I don’t care that you’re new, you better work hard and earn your place. I heard you did well in Seoul, let’s see if that’s true.’
‘Best way to find out is to put me in the water,’ Hotae said, earning himself a scoff. He wasn’t sure what this guy’s problem was or how Donghui put up with him. But if he was also in his final year, at least Hotae would only have to deal with the idiot for a few months.
‘You’re Donghui’s little brother, right?’
Hotae’s jaw tightened.
‘I’m not his little brother.’
The way he’d said it made it seem like Hotae was some elementary school kid following his big brother around.
‘This fucking idiot!’ one of the Captain’s cronies started yapping. ‘The captain’s talking but since you’ve arrived you’ve-…’
Hotae glared at him but the Captain held up a hand.
‘Whatever, just leave it,’ he said and stepped back to address everyone again. ‘If a single person dares to be late tomorrow, all of you will die…’
He glanced back at Hotae, barked a ‘Dismissed’ and sauntered off.
‘If you weren’t Donghui’s little brother you’d already be dead,’ the Crony snarled as he followed the Captain.
‘I said I’m not his little brother, assholes,’ Hotae growled after them. Just the idea of it suddenly left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Hours later Hotae was lifting weights in the garden by himself, craning his neck to look over the garden wall. The sun had already set and his mom was still at her restaurant. After practice, he’d tried to find Donghui again, checking his classroom, the library and the cafeteria without any luck. He’d even asked a couple of kids where the student council met but was told they’d already finished. Not sure where else to look, Hotae had walked home alone, only to find it empty. Hungry, he’d made himself some ramyeon.
At the end of practice the captain and his stupid friends had made dinner plans. Had Donghui joined them?
He absentmindedly lifted the weights in his hands one by one. By now he was not only annoyed but also starting to worry something might have happened. Why else would Donghui not have checked in with him at all on his first day of school? Or even invited him to dinner? Why hadn’t he at least responded to Hotae’s calls or messages?
It wasn’t until another ten minutes had passed that the missing boy finally appeared behind the garden wall. Hotae quickly put his weights down and approached.
‘You took your sweet time getting home! Do you know what time it is?!’ he called out. Donghui glanced up but didn’t respond. He silently walked into the garden and took a seat on the porch to remove his shoes. But Hotae had enough of being ignored all day. ‘Ya, Kim Donghui!’
It was the first time he’d ever called Donghui by name and it did the trick. Donghui sat up and glared at him.
‘Are you crazy!? You’re just dropping the hyung?’ he asked indignantly.
‘I asked why you’re home this late!’
‘I was studying. What else?’
At least he hadn’t been hanging out with that asshole. Hotae sat down next to him. Donghui dropped his bookbag on the porch with a heavy thud. Hotae looked at him and leaned back.
‘So, the whole ranking first place in school thing is true?’
‘Well, just on the mock exam.’
‘Ah,’ Hotae sighed with a grin. ‘In that case I’ll have no choice but to rank first too.’
Donghui narrowed his eyes and looked at him as if he’d grown two heads.
‘Even as a joke that seems a little unrealistic, don’t you think?’
‘Is studying the only way to come in first?’ Hotae shot back. Donghui’s expression softened, as if he hadn’t considered that. ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’
‘I’m a senior in high school. Obviously, I’ll be studying, what else is there?’
‘I have a match tomorrow. You’ll come and watch, right?’
‘You mean the intra-school meet? That’s hardly a competition.’
‘If you can be awarded first, second and third place it’s definitely a competition,’ it was Hotae’s turn to be indignant. ‘But you’ll come, right?’
‘Sure…’ Donghui said. Hotae smiled-… ‘To watch Jisu.’
Hotae’s face snapped back but Donghui’s expression was perfectly neutral and blank – not a hint of jest about him.
‘You know him, right?’
‘What!? Are you crazy? Try again!’ Hotae couldn’t believe this guy. He’d only just moved back. First Donghui ignored him and now he was pretending to be besties with that loser. ‘Who are you coming to watch?’
‘Yu Jisu.’
Hotae took a deep breath.
‘Again.’
‘Ah, seriously…,’ Donghui looked at Hotae and finally dropped the act. ‘Fine, you! You! Happy?’
‘I’ll show you how I rank first,’ Hotae said with a satisfied grin.
He’d been filled with the same confidence the following day when the voices of students had echoed through the school’s swimming pool. Hotae had stood next to the Captain, both of them shooting daggers at one another as they prepared for their match. They had taken their positions, the whistle blew and they were in the water. Hotae swam fast. But he also hadn’t swum in a competition since the summer. Not since the doctors had given up on his dad. No matter how much he’d pushed himself, a single day of training hadn’t been enough to catch up. And so, when the pool emptied out, the voices disappearing into the changing rooms and exits, Hotae had angrily grabbed his towel and slid down behind a pillar in the far corner.
Everything was all messed up. Being at home alone made him miss his dad even more. Donghui was being weird and distant – if he was even around. He now hung out with assholes like Yu Jisu. In Seoul, Hotae had been part of a top-ranking school swimming club and dominated effortlessly. Around here, he lost to idiots like Jisu. His body shook, trying to contain sobs when he heard familiar footsteps approaching.
‘Ya, you look reeaally ugly,’ Donghui said, crouching down in front of him. Hotae glared back at the figure, blurred by tears he barely managed to stop from rolling down his cheek. Great, now that he was crying the boy came and paid attention. ‘You’re always hard to look at, but you’re a real mess right now.’
Hotae looked down and wiped his nose. He tried to stop the quiet sobs from shaking his body. Donghui sighed, realizing his dumb joke wasn’t working.
‘Get up and let’s go eat or something,’ Donghui tried again. But Hotae didn’t move. He’d been so confident about ranking first. He’d finally gotten someone to come out and watch him do what he does best. Finally gotten his friend to pay attention to him-…
‘Never mind… Just cry. Until you feel better. I think crying for not winning the competition… is cool.’
Hotae took a shaky breath as tears began to fall.
‘It’s usually difficult. Normally people worry they look weak if they cry. But… you look like you never have to worry about looking weak no matter what you do. You look crazy strong.’
Hotae hated the sound of his own whimpers but he could no longer contain them.
‘So just cry. I won’t tell anyone.’
Donghui tousled Hotae’s hair and sat with him as he finally let himself break down.
An hour later the two of them were slowly walking home along the old railway tracks. There was no one around except a couple of old ladies watering and tending to flowers along the tracks.
‘Fuck, my eyes hurt,’ Hotae said, trying to break the awkward silence. ‘The sun’s crazy bright.’
‘My eyes are fine,’ Donghui said cheerfully. ‘You sure it’s not because you’ve been crying too much?’
‘It’s not that,’ Hotae grumbled. They were approaching the old lady with the hose and she lowered it to avoid making them wet. ‘Can’t you see how bright the sunlight is?’
‘Sun’s going down though,’ Donghui pointed out. He was right, the sun hung very low, casting long shadows and warm golden light. ‘I still think it’s because you cried too much-…’
‘I fucking told you it’s not that!’ Hotae snapped. They passed the old lady and were heading towards the tunnel.
‘Okay, fine that’s not it,’ Donghui shrugged. ‘Hey, what do you want to eat? You must be hungry after crying that hard.’
‘Ya! Kim Donghui!’ Hotae whipped around to face him.
‘What?’ Donghui said, stopping too. ‘Say something if you’re going to call my name.’
Hotae wasn’t sure what to say. He just wanted the boy to stop talking. To stop mentioning he’d cried. He’d showered but now sweat was beginning to form at the thought anyone other than those random old ladies would overhear.
‘Ya, cry-baby!’
‘You said you wouldn’t talk about it!’
It was one thing to cry when you needed to, it was another when your supposed best friend wouldn’t stop bringing it up.
‘I said I wouldn’t tell anyone else about it,’ Donghui corrected him with that blank, neutral face. ‘Did you hear me say I wouldn’t tease you about it?’
‘Fuck…,’ Hotae glared at his friend. He could feel himself begin to pout, wondering how he was going shut this guy up without actually punching him when Donghui’s face suddenly broke into the biggest smile.
‘Ha, seriously,’ he laughed. ‘What’s up with that face!? I’m seriously gonna lose it!’
Hotae stared at the laughing boy in front of him. The low sun sparkled through the spray of water from the old lady’s hose behind Donghui like it was casting a spell. His whole face lit up with genuine joy. Hotae breathed in.
‘You smiled,’ Hotae muttered. Finally. He’d never realized Donghui’s eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed.
‘What?’ Donghui said still beaming.
‘I thought you’d turned into an idiot who doesn’t even know how to crack a smile while I’ve been gone.’
‘Who cares if I smile or not?’ Donghui answered defensively and continued walking, but the smile lingered on his lips. Hotae grinned as he followed.
‘Ya, wait up!’
-ʚɞ-
Based on:*
Available on Watcha and Heavenly
Original Manhwa by 피비 / PIBI:*
*non-affiliated links
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