The day Hotae returned to the village, a warning quietly chimed in Kim Donghui’s mind.
It was a beautiful day. Warm sunlight poured in through the tall windows and sparkled across the glass whale suncatcher. Outside, the autumn breeze cheerfully rustled through the trees. After class he’d hidden in the abandoned building behind the school. The top room had once been an art studio and was now filled with his own sketches and trinkets. He flipped through Hotae’s old drawing journal from second grade. Its pages covered with colourful drawings of the two of them and Hotae’s big awkward handwriting describing their adventures. They’d been inseparable. Two years couldn’t have changed that much… Maybe things would be different…
Hyung, I just arrived!
When will you get home?
He gathered his things and slowly made his way home, trying to ignore the flutters growing beneath the weight clawing at his chest. But it would be different. Hotae would be his old self. Hotae’s mom would be there too, and things would go back to how they were supposed to be.
As he approached the house, he peeked over the garden wall. He needed one quick glance, just enough to brace himself. Unfortunately, he wasn’t stealthy enough. Before he even realized what was happening, he fell backwards on the road with a grunt. The sun nearly blinding him as Hotae jumped over the wall like a young tiger leaping out of the old persimmon tree. Donghui’s gaze travelled up the tall body of his best friend to meet a pair of warm brown eyes sparkling with joy.
Everything had changed.
A strong hand pulled him to his feet. He tried to be casual, but as soon as he could, he rushed into the safety of the bedroom. He sank into the chair behind the desk – not even daring to go greet Auntie properly in the kitchen. Listening to the low murmur of the mothers talking in the garden, he took out some of his books so he could at least pretend to be studying. Before long he heard familiar footsteps entering the room. He ignored the loud groan and flop on the bed, and tried to focus on the page in front of him. But the words refused to string together into coherent sentences. So instead he copied the text word for word in his notebook. Just as it started to make sense again, Hotae appeared next to him. His cheeks instantly grew hot and Donghui was relieved when Hotae took the hint and moved away.
But this was Go Hotae…
The safest thing to do was to keep his distance. The next morning, they walked to school together but Jisu had thankfully run up and led him away at the school gates. At lunch and after school he’d returned the abandoned building, forcing himself to focus on the upcoming suneung. It worked. Until the sun had set, his eyes had grown heavy, and he knew he’d have to go home eventually.
At home, Hotae made it impossible to stay away from him. He stopped calling Donghui hyung, calling him by his name instead, like he was just some random classmate from school. At least teasing him was still easy. So easy it almost deceived Donghui into thinking he’d been worried over nothing.
Almost…
Because then they walked home after Hotae’s “competition” where he’d failed to come first. And Donghui’s teasing had the boy’s face scrunched up and pouting so pitifully in frustration that he couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Just for a moment everything fell back into place. The two of them, walking home from school together laughing. But that’s when Hotae had given him a look that Donghui couldn’t decipher.
Hotae had also grown. With broad shoulders and a pair of arms that were difficult to ignore. Especially while wearing a white t-shirt and lifting weights in the garden…
Despite it being a Saturday, Donghui had woken up early that morning. He hadn’t slept particularly well over the past year and Hotae sleeping on the floor next to him wasn’t helping. Once the sun had peaked above the horizon, he’d grabbed his books and moved out to the porch to study. In hindsight, that move may have been short-sighted…
‘Son, shouldn’t you be getting help with your workouts from a trainer like you did in Seoul?’ Auntie asked putting down her little compact mirror. After breakfast she had joined Donghui at the table, sorting through some makeup.
‘You gave me amazing genes,’ Hotae answered, pumping his arm with a heavy weight. ‘So we don’t need to waste money on that.’
‘You big sweet talker,’ she grumbled with a big smile on her face. She stretched and moved back towards the kitchen where she’d also been working on side dishes. ‘You just keep practicing!’
Donghui heard Hotae put the weight down with a sigh and dared a quick glance. He watched Hotae gulp down water from his mug. The skin on his arms and neck was damp, his muscles pumped from the strain. Donghui caught himself staring before the other boy noticed and turned back to the books in front of him trying to swallow.
Next to his books, Auntie’s little compact was still open. Nudging it ever so slightly brought Hotae back into view. Just a part of him – it was only a small mirror. Donghui lifted it a tiny bit so the reflected light travelled up to Hotae’s hand, clenched once more around a weight, and the tensed forearm moving in and out of frame. A little higher and the mirrored view slid across the biceps where all the different muscles flexed; lean and toned from swimming. The image on the glass moved up, along the glistening neck. And a little more until Hotae’s face appeared and turned towards him-…
Donghui slammed the compact shut and gathered his things. His ears were buzzing. He felt hot and lightheaded.
This was Go Hotae…
He hurried inside the house to grab his bag.
‘You off somewhere?’ Hotae asked when he remerged and watched Donghui put on his shoes. Donghui didn’t meet his eyes and didn’t trust his own voice enough to speak.
‘You’re off to school?’ Auntie asked pouting as she reappeared from the kitchen. Heading to school was probably a good idea. Donghui looked up. She always looked so proud of him, her kind eyes quickly filling with worry if she believed he was studying too much or eating too little. He would never do anything that might disappoint her.
‘Just wanted to get some fresh air,’ he managed in what he hoped was a normal voice. ‘And take a walk.’
‘I’ll finish the side dishes before I head off to the restaurant,’ Auntie said smiling brightly as she patted him affectionately. Her pats always light and gentle. As if to reassure herself he was fine, but worried she might hurt him if he wasn’t. ‘So you better come and eat dinner at home!’
‘Of course, Auntie’s food is the best,’ he said grinning.
‘I make these dishes just to hear you say stuff like that!’ she giggled and headed back to the kitchen.
‘I’m off!’
‘Okay, stay safe!’
Donghui did not meet the pair of fierce eyes tracking him as he darted out the garden.
The old art studio was still. Filled with the crisp autumn breeze, mingling with the familiar smells of dust and old paint. His suncatcher shimmered in the sun, swaying above his drawings of whales stuck to the window. Donghui had already started on the first question when the door flew open and Hotae appeared.
‘Crazy bastard,’ Donghui said startled. No one else had ever found him here. ‘Did you follow me?’
‘What do you mean follow?’ Hotae said as he stepped inside in and examined the room. ‘Woah… What is this place? Can you use a room by yourself because you’re the Student President or whatever?’
‘It’s not like it’s being used by anyone else…,’ Donghui said, watching him move through the space.
‘It’s nice… and quiet.’
Hotae walked up to the desk by the window and picked something up. A blue notebook-… Donghui scrambled to his feet and rushed forward, trying to take it off him before he could open it. Seeing what was happening, Hotae grinned and immediately lifted it out of reach. Heat flashed across Donghui’s body once more as he grabbed Hotae’s arm and jumped up. He yanked back the notebook while Hotae laughed like it was some kind of joke.
‘Can’t you just behave!’ Donghui snapped, returning to his seat. Why had Hotae followed him? Why had he come here of all places?
‘I wasn’t going to look inside. Even if you beg me I won’t look.’
‘Be still or leave. I have to study,’ Donghui just said, looking down at his work. The words on the pages once more dancing elusively, mocking his determination. How was he going to focus with Hotae snooping around like that?
‘One morning, when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams,’ Hotae read aloud. Donghui’s gaze turned back to Hotae, now holding the school library’s copy of Metamorphosis. He was casually leaning against the table by the open window, sports bag still slung over his shoulder. ‘… he found himself transformed in his bed into a… horrible insect. He lay… on his armour-like back…
‘What is this?’ Hotae looked up horrified. ‘Is this about some guy turning into a bug?’
‘If one day I suddenly turn into a bug, would I still be Kim Donghui, or would I be a bug?’
‘Ah…’ Hotae sighed staring at him dumbfounded. He closed the book. ‘You’re giving me that distant feeling again. What are you even talking about?’
Donghui sighed too. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, trying to explain Kafka to Hotae. He refocussed his attention to his homework.
‘This is because you keep reading this philosophical or literary bullshit. Of course you’d still be Kim Donghui – what else?’ Donghui’s heart jumped. He slowly lifted his eyes. Hotae looked at him exasperated. ‘Doesn’t matter if you’re turned into a bug or into grass, I’d obviously still know it was you. What else could you be? What kind of a stupid question is that?’
Hotae gave him a look as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Donghui grinned and Hotae did too. Hotae leafed through the book and took a seat at the table by the window. The rest of the afternoon he kept himself quiet and Donghui was finally able to study.
A few hours later, Donghui stretched his arms and back. He’d ended up getting a lot more done than he thought he would, but his body felt stiff and his eyes had begun to sting. Across from him, Hotae was slumped over Kafka’s story, only a couple of pages in and fast asleep. His powerful frame rising and falling with a slow steady rhythm. Drifting in through the windows, the breeze softly rippled across the curtains and the sunlight danced across his back.
Donghui stared at the peaceful face.
Echoes of warning chimed once more. Remember: this is Go Hotae.
He quickly grabbed his stuff and walked out the door, leaving Hotae in the comforting quiet.
~
So this was where his friend had been hiding…
Hotae had been pleased with himself for solving the stupid riddle. He’d taken a seat by the window to read the weird bug-man story, but the sunlight had been warm and the breeze soothing. There had been no sound except for the scratching of Donghui’s pen and the occasional turning of the pages behind him. Before long Hotae had drifted off to sleep. The clang of the door opening brought him back and he sleepily looked around at the now empty room.
‘Fuck! You just disappear without waking me up?!’ he called out, grabbing his own bag and running after his friend.
Outside, the temperature had dropped and dark clouds had gathered. Despite moving quickly it was raining by the time they reached the old railway tracks. As they jogged along the tracks Donghui held his bag above his head while Hotae tried to shield his face by holding up the hood of his zip-up. But his arms were getting tired and both of them were clearly getting soaked anyway.
Hotae finally just stopped. He threw back his hood and opened his arms wide.
‘Aaaah,’ he sighed loudly, allowing the rain hit him. He breathed in deeply, taking in the freshness of the air mixing with the musty smell of the damp earth. As he stopped caring about getting wet he felt his body relax.
Don’t worry about the stuff you cannot change…
‘This is the best!’
He looked at his friend, still hiding under the heavy bookbag. Donghui was staring back at him wide-eyed, with a big, incredulous grin.
‘You try it!’ Hotae said smiling. Donghui slowly lowered his bag and also spread out his arms. Together they cried out loud sighs of relief. ‘Feels good, doesn’t it?’
The two of them shouted into the sky, spun around and laughed. Donghui’s smile crinkled his eyes once more. They were little kids again, letting the rain wash away all their worries. Then he pushed past Hotae, running towards the tunnel. Giggling they raced ahead, nudging one another out of the way. As they approached the tunnel, Hotae sped up but before he reached the safety of cover, he was jerked back by a pull on his hood and Donghui threw up his arms in victory.
‘Ya! Don’t you have any sportsmanship?’
‘I don’t!’ Donghui said with a big dopey smile. ‘Why?’
‘Shit,’ Hotae said under his breath, taking off his hoodie to wring it out. He looked over at his friend’s beaming face and grinned. ‘Feeling good, huh?’
‘When we were little, I would get into so much trouble because we were always playing in the rain.’
‘You were the one who dragged me everywhere, but I was the one who got yelled at,’ Hotae corrected him. Only he knew how much the sweet, shy Donghui loved stirring up trouble.
‘Ya! But… why don’t you call me hyung anymore?’ Donghui suddenly asked.
Hotae looked away and tightly wrung the front of his t-shirt to get most of the water out. When he looked back up he noticed Donghui wrestling to do the same with his autumn sweater. Nothing would never come out with the way the boy was kneading the knitted fabric. It was rare, but sometimes his rich upbringing was obvious. Hotae sighed loudly and grabbed the front of Donghui’s sweater to wring it out properly.
Hotae glanced up and as he did, single beam of sunlight broke through the dark clouds and the arches of the tunnel. The cool air tickled his skin and another spell was cast. It was like he was seeing Donghui’s face for the very first time. Pink lips, pale skin, flushed cheeks… and pair of big round eyes looking up at him from beneath wet strands of wavy hair. Time seemed to slow. His heart tightened and felt like it stopped beating for a second. There was only the patter of rain, the smell of the earth… and those deep, dark eyes gazing back at him. Despite being soaked in the cool rainwater, Hotae felt himself grow hot and his breath catch.
He blinked. Donghui looked down. And the spell was broken.
Hotae cleared his throat, looked away and squeezed the sweater once more for good measure. He awkwardly let go, not sure where to look. The two of them quietly gathered their stuff and resumed their journey home with Hotae’s heart now pounding in his chest.
At home, they strung up Donghui’s soaked books and homework. The steady drips of water on the floor were drowned out by the rain angrily lashing across the roof. Flashes of light were accompanied by cracks of thunder in the sky. Hotae lay on his spot on the floor unable to sleep. Trying to blame it on the sounds of the storm. He glanced up at the bed to see if Donghui had managed to fall asleep yet. But the boy’s figure lay curled up shivering underneath the blanket and breathing heavy.
‘Are you cold or scared?’ he asked.
‘Just go to sleep.’
‘If you think I am going to sleep next to you, don’t even dream about it…’
His voice trailed off as a crack of thunder, the loudest yet, shook the other boy’s body. He’d never seen Donghui like this before.
‘Did you get your head rung? I also don’t want you sleeping next to me,’ Donghui said a low voice. ‘It’s just that my insomnia… gets worse when it rains.’
‘You have that kind of problem?’
Another crack of thunder and Donghui flinched again, pulling his covers closer.
‘Well, I’m a senior, aren’t I?’
Hotae had never heard of such a thing. But Donghui was first in the school ranking and had also just spent his entire Saturday studying. He looked back at his balled up friend.
‘Shit, this is nuts,’ he whispered to himself as he sat up. But he couldn’t not do something. Donghui looked like he was broken or something. He scratched the back of his neck before flipping his own covers. ‘Ya, move over!’
It was a double bed. When they both lay on their sides at the edges of the bed, they could share the pillow without touching. And that was the best Hotae could do. His heart had only just calmed down, but now restarted its heavy pounding in his chest.
‘It’s hot in here,’ he declared. He settled in and closed his eyes. They opened a moment later when he felt a weight shifting on the mattress. Donghui sidled up behind him and a timid hand clutched his t-shirt at the waist.
‘If you’re already here, won’t you allow this too?’ pleaded the small voice from behind him. Hotae’s mind went blank while stomach twisted strangely and he forgot how to breathe normally for a moment.
‘Sure, whatever… it’s just us guys anyway,’ he finally muttered, mostly to himself. He blinked a few times, trying to force some form of coherent thought back into his head. ‘When did your insomnia start? You never had that before, did you?’
‘Everything changes eventually,’ Donghui answered in a heavy voice. He gripped Hotae’s t-shirt a little tighter. His breath tickled the back of Hotae’s neck and he could feel Donghui’s feet shifting. ‘I guess I did too.’
‘It’s because you read too many books,’ Hotae said eventually and closed his eyes, forcing his body to relax. But seconds later, the breathing behind him had already evened out. The hand gripping his shirt heavy. Donghui had fallen asleep with his face buried in Hotae’s back.
So much for insomnia.
Hotae knew he was seriously losing it as his stomach did another backflip, twisting itself even tighter.
The following morning, Hotae stepped out of the shower. He wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep. It felt like he’d been awake the entire night listening to the steady beat of the rain, the roiling thunder drifting away, the pounding of his own heart… and Donghui’s slow, even breathing. And yet he’d woken up in bed alone, blinded by the bright sunlight streaming through the window.
He wiped the fogged up bathroom mirror and stared at himself. The back of his neck still tickled. And he couldn’t shake the idea of pink lips between his shoulders.
He straightened up and continued getting ready. Hearing Donghui in the kitchen Hotae assumed the senior was just going to sit and study at the desk all day. So he grabbed his book and stretched out on the porch to read it in the sunshine. A few minutes later, Donghui approached with a plate of tomato wedges.
‘Eat.’
Hotae sat up and looked at his friend. He seemed relaxed and well-rested. Those big round eyes met his gaze and Hotae suddenly became aware just how warm the sun was.
‘It’s hot today,’ he said, quickly turning away.
‘It’s very mild. Why do you keep saying it’s hot?’
Hotae stabbed a piece of tomato. Why did his body keep feeling hot and bothered around his friend? Wasn’t that what you’re supposed to feel around girls?
‘Why don’t you have girlfriend?’ he asked. There was a small silence and Hotae looked out into the garden.
‘Why do you want to know?’
‘Just… curious,’ Hotae said munching on his tomato, trying to avoid Donghui’s searching eyes. They’d never talked about girls before.
‘You have a lot of curiosity…,’ Donghui sighed eventually. ‘Then what about you?’
Hotae looked up. A girlfriend?
‘I wanna focus on sports,’ Hotae said, leaning back. This wasn’t a lie. But he’d also never really given it much thought.
‘That’s a relief.’
It took a second but then Hotae looked back at Donghui.
‘It’s a relief I don’t have a girlfriend? Why?’
Donghui glanced at him in that annoying blank expression he’d been carrying around ever since Hotae had returned.
‘It’d just be difficult,’ he answered, turning away.
‘Why would it be difficult for you?’
Talking to him nowadays was like trying to catch a butterfly with bare hands.
‘If you fought you’d come bother me, wouldn’t you?’
‘Am I kid or something?’ Hotae asked. Why did people insist on treating him like he was still ten years old? He sighed and took big bite out of another piece of tomato.
‘You are a kid,’ Donghui said. Before Hotae realized what was going on, a pair of slender fingers slid along the inside of his wrist, wiping the tomato juice that was dripping down.
‘Ya!’ Hotae snapped, pulling his arm away. Donghui’s big eyes widened with surprise. Hotae froze. The touch had been soft. It had sent a shiver across his skin. Donghui was too close and it felt… weird. He grimaced and dropped the piece of tomato back on the plate. ‘Tastes disgusting.’
He wiped his wrist and got up. He needed to get away from this confusing boy. Yesterday morning, he’d just wanted to be closer to his best friend who kept disappearing. Now, every time they were together, his mind kept going numb and his body kept acting strange.
Less than an hour later he was in the school’s swimming pool, moving at a strong, steady pace. Gliding through the cool water felt familiar; his muscles working hard, their strain comforting. The sound of his hands entering the water and the even breaths between strokes helped clear his mind. For a while. But soon his thoughts betrayed him.
‘It’s a relief I don’t have a girlfriend?’
‘It’d just be difficult…’
What did that even mean…
Eventually, Hotae took a break and straightened up in the water. Once again dark eyes looked up at him from beneath wet, wavy hair. The pattering sound of rain surrounded a frozen Donghui. Had he been shy? Scared? Maybe he’d just been uncomfortable…
Hotae slammed his fist into the water, trying to scatter the thoughts across the ripples before giving up on swimming altogether and making his way out the pool. It wasn’t normal for a guy to think like this about another man. Especially a hyung he’d grown up with-… his best friend.
‘Go Hotae! Hi!’ some girl said when he stepped outside. He looked at her. ‘Ah… I saw you go into the pool from the street earlier so… I waited for you to come out…’
‘Why?’ he asked. He didn’t recognize her. She looked down.
‘I like you… Do you want to go out?’
He had told Donghui the truth. He wasn’t really interested in having a girlfriend. But wouldn’t normal guys jump at the chance of having one?
‘If you want,’ he simply said. The girl smiled and he walked past her towards the gate. He could hear her following behind him.
It turned out she was in his class and over the next couple of days she kept popping up in front of him. He walked her home after school and she insisted they eat lunch together. While she wasn’t necessarily bad company, he also wasn’t sure why everyone went crazy about this dating thing. On Wednesday, she was again waiting for him outside the pool.
‘Go Hotae!’ she said cheerfully, linking her arm into his. ‘How was practice?’
He turned to walk to the gate but then spotted Donghui saying goodbye to his friends on the basketball court. It was rare for them to both head out at the same time. He quickly extracted his arm.
‘Ya, go home by yourself today,’ he told the girl, and ran up to Donghui, slinging an arm over his shoulders.
‘Too heavy,’ Donghui complained, shaking it off. ‘Take it off.’
‘No,’ Hotae said smiling, throwing his arm around him once more. This time Donghui left it.
‘Ya, Go Hotae!’ the girl called out after him. Donghui glanced back, but Hotae didn’t bother.
‘I thought you said you were focusing on sports,’ Donghui muttered.
‘Just ignore her,’ Hotae said cheerfully, pulling him along. ‘Wanna grab something to eat before going home?’
-ʚɞ-
Based on:*
Available on Watcha and Heavenly
Original Manhwa by 피비 / PIBI:*
*non-affiliated links
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